Sorry so long, needed to process the evening

Adorable boys, aren't they? These 3 are my students from last year.

So far this year, I am greatly enjoying my new students, but not clinging to them quite as strongly as my students from last year. I hear that's typical of 2nd year teachers, that they miss they're first class of students, and while I LOVE my students now, it's still kinda true.

Of course I see my old students at school, or some visit, but I miss seeing them everyday - all together.

I found out yesterday that my student on the left, Cristian, was in a car accident on Sunday, and another current student of mine - Jeanette - was also in the car.

My heart stopped.

After going to a funeral last week for a 5 year old, this was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Yesterday, I tried to go see them, but weren't taking visitors.

Today I went home, baked about 100 chocolate-chip cookies for them and their families, and headed to the hospital.

I HATE the hospital - every time I go it reminds me of my grandpa...of seeing my grandpa wither from the strong, loving, passionate man he was to the shell of a man his injuries crippled him into...and then of course of the last time I saw him alive - at the hospital.

My two recent trips have landed me in the PICU - the pediatric intensive care unit. And let me tell, there is not a more heartbreaking place in the world...except maybe at the funeral of a child...sadly, I have now experienced both.

Every time I go in or hear a heart-breaking story from one of my students, my first thought is, "I don't know how God stands it. How can he stand to see us so broken, so hurting- how can us he love us so greatly, keep his heart open and fighting for us? How does the pain not utterly destroy him???"

I walk into the rooms, being led by a parent or a nurse, turn a corner and see these boys I love, laugh with, and pray for, laying in their hospital beds with giant machines surrounding them, hooked up to a THOUSAND tubes.

And your heart just about stops in your chest.

Today I walk into the room, being led by a nurse, turn a corner, and see him lying there. I can't imagine what it feels like to be a parent - I felt so utterly helpless - what if it was my own kid?

Cristian has these big, gorgeous, hazel eyes, with the longest eye-lashes you've ever seen. Seriously - ever in your life. As I walked into his room, those big eyes looked up at me, smiled, and never being so happy to hear my name said outloud, he held open his hand. Cristian plays volleyball, so he's very athletic and to sit there in his hospital room, holding his thick hand with 3 tubes running out of it, was one of the most precious moments of my life.

God has been pursuing me so hardcore, telling me I can't take of myself and that he's going to do it. I often run from being too emotionally connected - there's too much risk of getting hurt and it's too dang scary. Sitting there holding the hand of a 16 year old boy, I realized how much I have been missing out on. What a small event, but to be able to be there for him, to see him reach out to me for love and care, made me realize how much it matters to God that I do the same. I saw how simple it was for Cristian, and yet how brave he is. I always noticed his big heart for his friends and family, and in that moment I saw a heart unafraid of being loved and taken care of - and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I felt something very similar when I visited my student last year in the hospital, but I was never able to put it to words.

I then went to see my current student. I haven't known her as long, so it was not quite as emotional of an experience for me, but still very jarring. She's been in a coma and just started coming out of it. She was asleep when I got there, but almost unrecognizable from the swelling. I got to meet her mom and friend, and it was good to chat with them, and to them how much I admired Jeanette and what a great student she was. She's SUCH a beautiful girl.

How strange...God has given me this remarkable gift and responsibility to stand in for him at my school. However, this year I've felt more disconnected...please join me in begging God for his heart and eyes for my students.

I have been weeping since I left the hospital, but I figure that's a good thing. I don't want to be numb. I have lived most of my life that way. I want to be alive, to be connected to life and passion, even if that means pain is always with me.

If you read this far, way to go - that was a super long story - but thanks for giving me the space to process and share :)

this song, along with another from the same artist, kept coming to mind - so here's a video of him singing one of my favorite songs...

cool, yet slightly creepy, video from pitchfork

heck yes

Moriah got this album recently from a friend who accidentally gave it to her. hehehe....really, she didn't steal it.

We both agree it is the best Elton John album. I remember singing these songs when I was kids as I drove around on tractors to exercise my steers - oh funny memories :) In the meantime, we just need to acquire a record player to listen to it.

Currently, there is a torrential thunderstorm happening, and they have been all week. I utterly LOVE thunderstorms, and am so grateful to God that they've been happening this week.

It's been so cool outside...such a nice break from the heat. And right now, there is thunder shaking the house...

winter deluge

this picture [by protten] is beautiful and perfectly describes the past week.

an amazing little boy - Zac Clark - passed away a week ago. He was one of Coleen's kids that she worked with. She was practically a part of their family...

So Coleen flew in for the funeral, which last Tuesday and Wednesday, and I took her to the airport this morning.

It was good to go with her - as good as it can be to go to the funeral of a 5-year old boy...to watch his family weep...and to sit there and weep with them.

But it was super good to hang out with her, and then to continue the sadness, it was super hard to drop her off at the airport. But my co-workers were great when I came in crying this morning :)

Besides that, I spent 4 hours at Cafe Passe grading and journaling, and I'm so grateful because it was so rich. Then God kept up the goodness and gave us tons of rain and a lovely cloudy, cool day. I went for a bike ride around the Rillito and am now grading...

...pray for hope...

once

i think God knew better... I got the movie this week to watch in Netflix and didn't really feel like watching it...

Well let's just say that with this past week, Once is the PERFECT movie.

I'm watching it now, laughing, crying and being grateful that there's a God to take care of this very messed up, broken world - and all of our broken hearts in it

and on a lighter note...

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Confusion of Tongues: Gustave Dore

So I've been thinking about Eric's sermon this week [which is true, but addendum, him talking about the Tower of Babel was from him reading from the children's Bible :) ] and then I found this picture...

Eric talked about how people were trying to build a tower to reach God, to be like God, and to ultimately try to "be" God as much as they could. They didn't want to be humble and admit that they were human, that they couldn't control everything and handle life on their own. I can't imagine the panic. All of sudden, no one around you understands you, and you can't understand anyone else. You're lost, frustrated, confused, and utterly freaking out. How do you get food? How do you barter with people for supplies? How do you talk to your friends?

I've been thinking about how I generally think I can pretty much handle myself. I mostly raised myself, besides the finances, and I think I get along pretty well. "Sure God, chime in whenever you want, but I'm mostly good" - this is my general attitude I think...

However lately, things have been falling apart - The Rosetta Stone software (losing money), my CD player breaking in my car, my Mac charger isn't working tonight, last night iTunes wouldn't play, the fridge was left open and all our food is spoiled, bills, debt, bills, I spilled my latte down my emergency break this morning, I feel like I'm disappointing a lot of people, the buttons on my phone aren't working, my car needed to be fixed last week (more money), my new CD player at home from Cori isn't liking my CDs....

All of these things separately are not a big deal - but together - they're starting to wear on me. And when I say "wear", I mean GRATE - like 10 grit sandpaper on a carpet burn.

I'm realizing how much I work to control my surroundings so they are comforting and work for me. I do worship being comfortable. I like my music working, my electronics to be fully functional....I don't like glitches. I hate things that I can't control or fix these things....

I'm not worshiping Jesus - the awesome God who raised people from the dead, who loved the most broken and messed up people, who stood for justice, love, and compassion - but I'm worshiping comfort, control, security, and myself - all the things I generally hate about America and Americans are so ever present in me - ugh.

Save me from myself God...