headed "home"...

but only for a week. it's weird because indiana feels so much like home. even looking at this picture, there are leaves are on the ground - it was october...this is what october is supposed to look like. there's grass, trees, and since this is the street right next to my house, pictured is the brick road i grew up on...ahhhh home.....but now sorta not.  

im a very, very nostalgic person, which can probably partly be attributed to where i come from.

the past is a big deal in south bend, not as much nappanee, but definitely south bend. where you are from and what your nationality and culture are, those things matter. i love that. its not so much like that in tucson, i feel (in white culture at least).  some of the judgmental-ness that comes along with being defined by your culture i don't miss, but i definitely miss the irish-ness of home, the serbian relatives, the eastern european food that inhabits most Midwestern food, and feeling more like i can stop. in tucson my life is generally more full and faster. things are a lot slower in the midwest (which can almost be annoying at times). 

however, along with the nostalgia comes the gift/curse of an amazing memory and without knowing how to put it, a deep soul. i guess what i mean is i feel things deeply (part of being a woman with a big heart).  i've had conversations with friends talking about being vulnerable (as opposed to keeping myself guarded and self-protecting), me being who God has made me to be, and letting myself feel pain, joy, grief, and love.  i generally try to avoid feeling extreme emotions because it has caused me shame and pain in my past...and lots of it.  i open up, and then get crushed.  i'll be honest when i say im not a huge fan of this pattern in my life.  not at all.  however, i would let satan win if i just shut down forever and didn't open up anymore.  so God's been talking to me about all this in the past few weeks, and now im about to go back to indiana...ironic?  for those of you who are probably reading this, you probably know that my family isn't an easy area of my life, well at least my parents....which could be the understatement of the century.  and lately things have been much more difficult.  ive been feeling the disappointment of their lack of communication, lack of involvement in my life, and just plain self-centeredness.  they never really knew how to parent me well, and im beginning to feel how sad that is.  but it seems like a rather inopportune time to being going back, as im not sure how to feel all this, stay my true self, and not lash out at my family.  

if you could pray :)  i know i will sure need it

-for God to be near and very apparently present

-im not sure what to fast for the Village's F-cubed on Friday, so maybe direction in that (b/c fasting food in indiana would be an offense to every person im with...and i mean my mom)

-that i wouldn't shut down my emotions and feel all the pain of being back, especially since i'll be coming home on my grandpa and grandma's 59th wedding anniversary, and then sometime visiting my grandpa's grave...so very sad

-that i could be disappointed with my parents and not take it out on them

-that i could have fun with my siblings, and know how to relate with my brother as that relationship has been very difficult

sorry this post is so long, but well, there it is! thank you so much for being for me, walking with me, and supporting/loving me so well.  see you all in a week or so :)

(but maybe ill post some pics of indiana in the summer - lightening bugs!)