Sorry so long, needed to process the evening

Adorable boys, aren't they? These 3 are my students from last year.

So far this year, I am greatly enjoying my new students, but not clinging to them quite as strongly as my students from last year. I hear that's typical of 2nd year teachers, that they miss they're first class of students, and while I LOVE my students now, it's still kinda true.

Of course I see my old students at school, or some visit, but I miss seeing them everyday - all together.

I found out yesterday that my student on the left, Cristian, was in a car accident on Sunday, and another current student of mine - Jeanette - was also in the car.

My heart stopped.

After going to a funeral last week for a 5 year old, this was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Yesterday, I tried to go see them, but weren't taking visitors.

Today I went home, baked about 100 chocolate-chip cookies for them and their families, and headed to the hospital.

I HATE the hospital - every time I go it reminds me of my grandpa...of seeing my grandpa wither from the strong, loving, passionate man he was to the shell of a man his injuries crippled him into...and then of course of the last time I saw him alive - at the hospital.

My two recent trips have landed me in the PICU - the pediatric intensive care unit. And let me tell, there is not a more heartbreaking place in the world...except maybe at the funeral of a child...sadly, I have now experienced both.

Every time I go in or hear a heart-breaking story from one of my students, my first thought is, "I don't know how God stands it. How can he stand to see us so broken, so hurting- how can us he love us so greatly, keep his heart open and fighting for us? How does the pain not utterly destroy him???"

I walk into the rooms, being led by a parent or a nurse, turn a corner and see these boys I love, laugh with, and pray for, laying in their hospital beds with giant machines surrounding them, hooked up to a THOUSAND tubes.

And your heart just about stops in your chest.

Today I walk into the room, being led by a nurse, turn a corner, and see him lying there. I can't imagine what it feels like to be a parent - I felt so utterly helpless - what if it was my own kid?

Cristian has these big, gorgeous, hazel eyes, with the longest eye-lashes you've ever seen. Seriously - ever in your life. As I walked into his room, those big eyes looked up at me, smiled, and never being so happy to hear my name said outloud, he held open his hand. Cristian plays volleyball, so he's very athletic and to sit there in his hospital room, holding his thick hand with 3 tubes running out of it, was one of the most precious moments of my life.

God has been pursuing me so hardcore, telling me I can't take of myself and that he's going to do it. I often run from being too emotionally connected - there's too much risk of getting hurt and it's too dang scary. Sitting there holding the hand of a 16 year old boy, I realized how much I have been missing out on. What a small event, but to be able to be there for him, to see him reach out to me for love and care, made me realize how much it matters to God that I do the same. I saw how simple it was for Cristian, and yet how brave he is. I always noticed his big heart for his friends and family, and in that moment I saw a heart unafraid of being loved and taken care of - and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I felt something very similar when I visited my student last year in the hospital, but I was never able to put it to words.

I then went to see my current student. I haven't known her as long, so it was not quite as emotional of an experience for me, but still very jarring. She's been in a coma and just started coming out of it. She was asleep when I got there, but almost unrecognizable from the swelling. I got to meet her mom and friend, and it was good to chat with them, and to them how much I admired Jeanette and what a great student she was. She's SUCH a beautiful girl.

How strange...God has given me this remarkable gift and responsibility to stand in for him at my school. However, this year I've felt more disconnected...please join me in begging God for his heart and eyes for my students.

I have been weeping since I left the hospital, but I figure that's a good thing. I don't want to be numb. I have lived most of my life that way. I want to be alive, to be connected to life and passion, even if that means pain is always with me.

If you read this far, way to go - that was a super long story - but thanks for giving me the space to process and share :)

this song, along with another from the same artist, kept coming to mind - so here's a video of him singing one of my favorite songs...